This is a sort of farewell post for me on WordPress. With this, I have completed migrating my blog to Blogger. So if you have been reading me here, please adjust your bookmarks to reflect my new blog address which is http://sagarone.blogspot.com
DoubleYou. Tee. Eff? Thursday, Jul 24 2008
life and ramblings abduction, ashanti, daughters, girls, gujarat, hey ram, india, slavery 8:26 pm
This report sent shivers up my spine. Are we in the 21st century or what?
Ask Kanchan and Krishna Waghela from Bhiwandi in Mumbai. The couple are still going around the villages hoping someone would give them back their daughter who was abducted from Mumbai and brought to Dharji village of Ahmedabad district in February, before she was sold to some unknown person. They had their daughter back for a few minutes last June, before she was snatched away in front of them.
This happened to people living in a suburb of Mumbai. I as a parent, would never feel secure about the safety of my child, living in a country where this could happen. I do not have the resources to check if the report is factual and if such things actually do occur in this day and age, but it sure scares me.
I remember the movie Hey Ram where the Lalvani character narrates to the lead hero Kamal Haasan how his daughter was lost while he and his family were trying to flee the madness surrounding the partition, from Karachi. ‘Bheed mein station par uska haath chchoot gaya..’ and he lost her forever to the chaos of partition. Lalwani wept uncontrollably and as a father of young daughters, I wept in my heart too.
The above report also reminded me of another movie I saw 25 years back. In Ashanti, a US citizen working as a medical missionary in Africa is abducted during a raid by slavers. The color of her skin makes her indistinguishable from the tribes folk and she has to endure all sorts of humiliations.
If the above report is true, whatever progress India has achieved in any other areas becomes meaningless, because a society that can not prevent this from happening and cannot bring the perpetrators to justice, is still in the dark ages and has no right to take pride in any of its achievements.
Pakistan warns of Nuclear Arms Race Thursday, Jul 24 2008
ramblings deal, india, nuclear, pakistan 8:13 am
Nothing new there. Pakistan has been engaged in a clandestine nuclear arms race with India since 1974. So this is not news. What surprised me was this:
The Nuclear Suppliers Group bans exports to nuclear weapons states like India and Pakistan that have not signed the Nuclear Nonproliferation Treaty and do not have full safeguard agreements allowing the IAEA to inspect their facilities.
But the Nuclear Suppliers Group is ready to consider a waiver for India, in part due to lobbying from Washington.
The Bush administration has signed a deal to supply India with nuclear fuel but needs approval, first from the Nuclear Suppliers Group and then the U.S. Congress.
Pakistan is vehemently opposed to the Nuclear Suppliers Group doing business with its rival and may vote against approval of the draft at the August 1 board meeting.
I was amazed by the assertion in the article that Pakistan would be voting against the Indian Nuclear Deal. I didn’t know that Pakistan was a board member or even a participant in the NSG. The website of NSG does not list Pakistan as a participant country. Perhaps this is just a typo and what the reporter actually meant was that Pakistan would be ‘lobbying’ against the deal and not actually voting.
Edit: OK, I got it finally. Pakistan, along with India, is at present members of the IAEA Board of Governors. Perhaps that is where Pakistan intends to vote against the India-IAEA specific agreement.
Enter Moon-Svee Wednesday, Jul 23 2008
life and ramblings cross-cultural, daughters, marriage, Menons 4:33 am
The Menons – 4
So that was what had transpired at the Menons’. In typical Bollywood style, Momma must have threatened ShilpaJi with suicide if she went ahead with the marriage. And faced with this Cornelian dilemma, ShilpaJi must have chosen the lesser of the two evils, let Momma live. You can find true love again if you work hard at it, but can you find another Momma? (The answer is no, in case you were wondering.)
ShilpaJi’s state of mind gradually started transforming her appearance, the dresses she wore gradually become plainer and plainer and in a couple of weeks she could be seen clad in a white sari all the time, with a rudraksh mala around her neck. The only thing missing was a tanpura in her hand, otherwise you could easily mistake her for Meerabai. She gradually started withdrawing from interacting with her family and spent most of her time cooped up in her room.
It was a beautiful Friday evening. I had just returned from work and could see Mr. and Mrs. Menon having tea in their backyard. They called out to me to join them for a cuppa and I took up the offer. Having overcome their recent crisis, the Menons were in an expansive mood and we were debating whether the UPA government would survive its latest crisis, when I saw Menon Jr. approaching us.
‘Bapu, I need to talk to you in private.’
Jr. has lately taken to calling his dad Bapu, but somehow the picture of Mr. Menon clad only in a loin cloth with a walking stick does not click with me. Because Mr. Menon is portly, while you could count the ribs on Gandhiji if you wanted to. Imagine a middle-aged, pot-bellied, chain-smoking man who has a full head of thick but greying curly hair, impersonating Gandhiji at a fancy dress party and you will get the picture.
‘You can talk to me right now, we have no secrets from NeighborJi. He is like family.’ I was cringing in my seat because I did not wish to be embroiled in yet another Menon crisis.
‘Bapu, I want to invite someone home for dinner, for you and Momma to meet. We are in love and want to spend the rest of our lives together with your blessings.’
‘It’s a girl, eh? Our son has grown up, MissisJi. What is her name?’ Over the years, Mr. Menon had acquired the habit of calling her wife MissisJi when asking for her support or input in a family matter.
‘Her name is Moon-Svee’
‘Manasvi? That is a good name for a girl, strong and powerful.’ Mrs. Menon chirped in.
‘No, Momma, it is Moon-Svee.’
‘Where are her parents from?’ Mr. Menon could sense a dark cloud on the horizon and there was a slight touch of anxiety in his voice.
‘She is a Korean exchange student at the university.’
‘She is not from South India? But, with a name like Manasvi, she must be Hindu or at least Vegetarian?’ Mrs. Menon was still having trouble with grasping the implications of what Jr. had said and was trying to cling on to some last vestige of hope, but Mr. Menon was strangely quiet.
To be continued….
I love my Momma Tuesday, Jul 22 2008
life and ramblings cross-cultural, daughters, marriage, Menons 5:45 am
This has always brought tears to my eyes. A wedding is the most important rite of passage in a girl’s life. It symbolizes the departure from carefree childhood to being a responsible adult, no matter at what age it takes place. When an adult, educated girl like ShilpaJi has chosen her life partner and taken the decision to get married, she expects her family to support her decision and rally around her to make her wedding a joyous occasion and to fare her well on her journey ahead. But what was happening here was something different. Her decision was being seen as a betrayal and a rejection of perceived cultural values by her family.
The Menons -3
‘I am sorry but I will not support this wedding, NeighborJi. Shilpa can get married with whoever and do whatever she wants but I and my family will have nothing to do with it.’
We were getting into dangerous territory here. Not only was Mr. Menon rejecting ShilpaJi’s choice but could also bring pressure on his wife and son to ostracize her if she went along with the marriage. I had to be very careful here so I tried to steer the conversation away from the issue at hand and managed to put it on hold for the time being and that is how the evening ended.
The next few days were chaotic for the Menon household. I could make that out because of the various sounds emanating from their house. At times, you could hear people screaming at the top of their voices, perhaps trying to make a point in some argument. Other times you could hear wails, punctuated by sobs. I had decided to become invisible and let them sort this one out for themselves.
A few days later, I happened to meet ShilpaJi on the way to our houses, with her head down and without that spring in her step. I was wary of starting a conversation but went ahead and tried it.
‘Hello ShilpaJi, what is happening?’
‘With what?’ she said dejectedly.
‘I heard you were planning to get married.’
At this, she looked up and I could see her eyes brimming with tears. She was trying to find words to answer my question and then she just blurted out:
‘I love my Momma’
To be continued………
The Pursuit of Teen Girl Purity Monday, Jul 21 2008
life and ramblings daughters, Menons, misogyny 3:23 am
Someone anonymously posted a link to the above as a comment on my ‘Hypocrisy’ post. And I went thru the whole article. I had never actually given serious thought to this issue, but this is so dumb f***ing stupid, I just had to devote a full post to it. Here is the link by the way.
“The girls generally range in age from college down to the tiny 4-year-old ” Yeah catch ‘em young, teach them the virtues of purity while they are still babies. Don’t people realize that if you carry this to its logical conclusion, you will end up with covering up all your womenfolk in burkas and trying to control every aspect of their lives?
“they wrote a vow for fathers to recite, a promise “before God to cover my daughter as her authority and protection in the areas of purity,” Patriarchy, anyone? You are responsible for your ‘harem’.
“We’re trying to be realistic,” Lane says. “I’m not ready to be like India–have arranged marriages. But there is some wisdom there, in that at least the parents are involved.” I guess if you stay on this course, Lane, you will soon be ready for arranged marriages and then, extend it logically, even ‘honor killings’.
“I don’t really know,” she says, and she’s shy about talking about all this. “But it means you make a promise to your dad to be a virgin until you are married and not have a lot of boyfriends.” That is a 10 year old trying to make sense of what is happening around her.
What bugs me is how the parents’ define the term ‘purity’ when talking about their daughters or their womenfolk in general. I am against promiscuity, let me make that clear. Instill in your children the concept of personal responsibility from a young age. I am with you on that. What irritates me is having one standard for your sons and another for your daughters.
What I have realized by going thru this article is that looking down on women in contempt or with prejudice is not restricted to eastern cultures. Perhaps the desire to have control is built into the male psyche worldwide.
Hypocrisy Sunday, Jul 20 2008
life and ramblings cross-cultural, daughters, marriage, Menons 8:11 pm
In my parents’ days, girls were just educated enough to be able to read and write and then were married off at a young age, which made life easier for everyone concerned. The young bride could be easily trained in the ways and traditions of her in-laws and her primary function was to take care of the household chores and in due course, produce offspring. But times have changed. This is the age of the nuclear family. The social and financial protection that joint families provided can not be counted on any more. Providing education to your offspring without gender discrimination is the norm. So, parents send their daughters to mixed schools but expect them not to interact with boys. Parents educate their daughters so that they can think and take decisions on their own, but still expect them not to choose a life partner without their approval. Girls above the legal age can vote in a general election and help decide who is going to rule India, but are still expected to demurely accede to their parents wishes when it is time to get married.
The Menons – 2
‘NeighborJi, I love my daughter. I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. You know that. Then why is she trying to hurt my fellings?’ MenonJi asked me in a quivering voice.
‘This is not about your feelings, MenonJi. This is about ShilpaJi exercising her right to marry the person of her choice. Would you deny her that right?’
‘Of course not. But she could have done this differently. She could have asked for my opinion, instead of just declaring that she is in love with this boy and they are planning to get married.’
Perhaps ShilpaJi should have pandered to the male egos in her family by introducing the issue with tact and asking for their advice, instead of declaring her intentions right away, but that is just one point of view. What Menonji said next made my ears perk up.
‘We have our own culture and traditions, should we just forget about propagating them and allow our daughters to marry into other religions and help increase their brood?’
‘As far as I have known you, MenonJi, you have never striked me as a particularly religious person. You have always shunned your own people and culture because they were backward thinking according to you. So why this sudden change of heart?’
When you think about it, Indian immigrants to the West are generally better educated and more adventurous than their countrymen they left behind. Adventurous because they ventured out into unfamiliar territory to realize their full potential. What baffles me is that with the passage of time, they become more religiously inclined and then they want their foreign born kids to embrace their indigenous culture which they themselves used to despise, instead of assimilating into the Western way of life.
‘Neighborji, what will my people say? Try to understand my position here. She is not my only child, you know. How will i find a good daughter-in-law from a respectable family in our community if Shilpa goes along with this marriage?’
To be continued………
Meet the Menons Saturday, Jul 19 2008
life and ramblings cross-cultural, daughters, marriage 2:59 am
There is one thing I have realized early on in my life. No matter how much hard I strive to find answers to life’s important questions, there are actually no correct answers. Confronting an issue which would make some people take a strong position, I usually take a lenient one. That is a trait I would rather not lose, even in exchange for a more practical or useful one.
In my youth, I was once told that with regard to daughters, education is intoxication. Because the more you educate them, the higher their expectations will be from life in general, which would ultimately lead to conflict in their marital lives. My daughters should be thankful that I found the idea abhorrent even then. Now on to the saga of the Menons……….
The Menons – 1
The Menons have been our neighbors for a long time. Mr. Menon has been one of those people who have shared their lives with me, telling me each and every intimate detail of his family problems and consulting me in times of crises. I am a good listener and most of the time he is able to work out his problems just by verbalizing them. So I wasn’t surprised when one day I found him knocking at my door, visibly agitated and asking me to go have a beer with him.
After the drinks were ordered and served, I asked him why he was in such a state. He started with ‘Neighborji, I am in deep trouble, you know Shilpa, my eldest, well she is…. you know….’ I tried to coax out the rest by nodding patiently and he finally blurted out ‘She is in love, you know…..’ and took a large swig of beer and waited anxiously for me to provide a comment.
Some background here. Menon is an educated mid-level manager in a multinational, who has travelled around the world, but has roots in a patriarchal rural community. He takes pride in the fact that he is open-minded and is not stuck in the twentieth century like most of his community. He takes particular pride in the fact that his was not an arranged marriage, although in reality, his wife happens to be a distant relative of his maternal aunt’s in-laws.
Now Shilpa is a girl who lights up any room she walks in. She is one of those people with the gift to make even strangers smile and confide in her. She is currently pursuing her second degree in liberal arts and although I have watched her grow only from a distance, she has left a good impression on me.
‘MenonJi, that is how human life has propagated on this planet, children grow up, fall in love, get married and start a new generation.’
‘But the boy, he is not a Menon……….’
‘So what?’
‘No, Neighborji, try to understand, I am very open-minded, you know…….. I would allow Shilpa to marry anyone she likes, but the boy is not a Menon, he is not even from South India……..’
‘So you are telling me that you would allow your daughter to marry anyone she likes as long as he is a Menon or at least from your part of the world………is that it?’
‘No, No, Neighborji, I would have preferred that, but the boy’s people eat non-veg, you know……….’
‘Homo Sapiens are omnivores. If you are a vegetarian it is because of your cultural conditioning.’ Let me add here that I too am a dedicated vegetarian. ‘And if ShilpaJi marries a salad-munching Menon who decides to eat meat in the future, what will you be able to do then? This is a matter of personal choice which you can’t dictate.’
‘Whose side are you on Neighborji? I am worried about my daughter’s offspring, that is MY grandchildren growing up in a strange culture without exposure to OUR traditions and way of life………’ MenonJi was obviously getting more and more agitated and I was trying to prod him into verbalizing what was really bothering him.
To be continued……..
Autocratic ancestors and defiant descendants Thursday, Jun 19 2008
life and ramblings kids, life 2:20 pm
M:”Dad can you ask the music teacher not to come tomorrow?”
Me:”Why? I thought you liked learning how to play the piano and it is a holiday tomorrow, so if he can find the time to teach you, why can’t you find the time to learn?”
M:”No, I don’t like it, I am doing it just for you.”
She is too young to make informed choices and I will just have to deny her the right to do so for the time being. But the germs of defiance are already evident.
That is how it works nowadays. My kids consult with me or at least inform me of their choices, likes and dislikes. When it is necessary, they show defiance and get their way.
My father was an autocrat. He decided after I passed S.S.C., that I should be in Science, not Commerce, and I obeyed him without asking a single question. Because, of course, he knew best and it was unthinkable for me to argue with him.
So here I am, stuck between autocratic ancestors and defiant descendants. Shouldn’t I have the right to make decisions for my kids, like my father did for me? In turn, they can make the choices for their kids when their time comes.
And what if THEIR kids deny them those same rights? I guess better I be the loser here than them. I will let them make their own decisions and choices, and when the time comes, expect them to happily extend those same privileges to their offspring.
Morality, contextual or absolute……. Tuesday, Jun 17 2008
life and ramblings compromise, morality, survival 4:45 pm
http://www.ammaro.com/2008/06/justified-stealing.html
I commented on the above post by Ammar but it lead me to serious thinking about the ramifications of his question. The first thing that springs to mind is that in Eastern philosophy, if you ask a serious question, the first response would be who wants to know, i.e. who is asking. The point is that the answer is framed according to the context or perhaps the identity or intellectual capacity of the inquirer. Does this mean that our morality is flexible enough to accommodate the needs of the moment and that we do not have any absolute morality?
Was Shree Ram morally right when he abandoned his wife Sita, to appease a minority section of his society?
Is it morally correct for a secular state to provide Haj subsidies to its minorities?
What would you call someone who leaves his wife and infant son in the dark of night and shirks from his responsibilities in order to pursue his own agenda? Imagine that this person lived and died as a common mendicant after taking this path. You would perhaps consider his act irresponsible and immoral. Now imagine what your response would be if that person was named Siddhartha and this happened at Kapilvastu a couple of millenia ago?
Is YOUR morality flexible enough to change according to the context? Do you believe in absolutes when it comes to morality? Are we as a culture, so focused on survival that we would compromise on moral issues when it becomes necessary? A lot to think about and raises more questions than it answers.
